A comedy by M. Crispin Sexi,
based on various concepts hashed out by
Ovid, Shakespeare and Monty Python,
but redesigned for the refined punter’s merry enjoyment.
THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY:
Narrator
Rogero a Montulet.
Janniet a Capague.
Mary Rogero's mother, a Montulet.
Thomas Janniet's father, a Capague.
Henry Rogero's brother, a Montulet.
Agnes Janniet's sister, a Capague.
Narrator: Two houses, In the middle of our street,
Two houses, both abut on common ground,
But neither house would with the other meet
In sense, no common views there could be found,
For every intercourse these households had
Would deftly charge from pleasantry to spite,
When one would say the morning was not bad,
The other blamed them for the storm last night!
And thus these families forever fought,
Since time so long ago none could recall
the cause of which, in truth they both knew nought,
And modernly considered not at all.
Tradition firmly being set in stone,
Is gifted now another cause to moan...
[Enter Rogero and Henry]
Henry: O Rogero, I greet thee on this morn.
Rogero: This morning, brother Henry, is quite fine.
Henry: 'Tis just a dreary morning Rogero.
Rogero: No dreariness methinks will mark this day.
Henry: Hold up one beat - this gives me pause,
What maketh thou so merry in thy tune?
Rogero: Oh Henry, chum, my sibling, dearest Hal.
Henry: This bodes, this bodes like howling wind, it doth.
Rogero: A gentle breeze that flutters July leaves,
The courteous branches offering respite,
Beneath those mulberry boughs, in silken cloth
My childhood love and I did tie the knot.
Henry: I do not twig your thread. You make no sense.
Rogero: I do, I do, I speak of nuptials fair.
Henry: You married Janniet? A Capague?
Rogero: And started now a home down yonder lane.
Henry: I knew not this. And mother knew not this.
You wed without inviting your own kin?
Rogero: My Janniet did say t'was the best way.
Henry: Of course she did! Just like a Capague!
That household causes always so much strife.
I'll draw my honest blade on them for this.
Rogero: Nay, peace dear Henry, dinna fash thyself.
Henry: I go to mother, she will fume at this.
[Exit Rogero and Henry. Enter Janniet and Agnes]
Agnes: Just like a Montulet to cause such strife!
Janniet: Dear Agnes, nay, he is my husband true.
Agnes: See Janniet? That churl hath snared thy life.
Janniet: My sister mine, be calm I beg of thee.
Agnes: I go to father, he will fume at this.
[Exit Agnes, Enter Rogero]
Rogero: Ah, there she is, the dawnlight of my life.
My Janniet, am I so glad it's you.
Janniet: O Rogero, a cloud lifts from my heart.
Agnes was here just now, and yearns a fight.
Rogero: About our wedding I would chance a guess?
I say add Henry too upon that list.
Janniet: I do not know how married we can be.
Although I joy in thee, I have no joy
of angry Montulet and Capague.
Why must our houses always quarrel so?
Rogero: Alas 'tis dirt ground in their very cloth.
Janniet: It so frustrates! Let's talk of nicer things.
Rogero: Then how about our business that we mind?
Janniet: Our merchant shop? Yes please, and talk we must.
Let us confirm the orders of our stuff.
Rogero: Of course, with careful planning we will be
the finest cheese-mongers in all the land.
Janniet: We have the store, and now we need the stock.
[Enter Mary, Enter Thomas]
Thomas: There you are, I found you, Janniet.
Our Agnes tells me such alarming news!
Mary: Dear Rogero, your brother tells a tale!
Thomas: Mary.
Mary: Thomas.
Thomas: Please say it is not true; Their loathsome house
has tricked you into wedlock 'gainst your will?
Mary: Thy brother Henry said thou art bewitched!
Rogero: Not so, we both got hitched quite willingly.
Janniet: With just our hearts own guidance, not your ire.
Thomas: But say, why secretly? To cause me woe?
Those Montulets do laugh and bite their thumbs.
Mary: I am twice stung by this and doubly crossed,
A Capague and then an invite lost.
Rogero: Mother, be you aghast, then I am more.
For nought fight Montulet and Capague,
You bicker with no benefit nor end.
We asked you not so we could hear our vows.
Janniet: My father, all this ill will must now stop.
The households are related since we wed;
You now are family, so rest thy barb.
Thomas: Family?
Mary: 'Tis as they say.
And family must stick together true.
Thomas: Tish tosh. Very well. I sheath me rapier.
Mary: I won't know what to do with my own self,
No plotting of revenge on Capagues.
Rogero: You then will find much time for better things.
Janniet: Yea verily, like helping in our shop.
Mary: What? What's that you say? Oh no! No, no, no.
Thomas: A shop? You stoop to humble merchant class?
Mary: Such shame upon our houses! It's those Capague's fault!
Thomas: Just like a Montulet! I draw me rapier!
Mary: He threatens me at that? This means a war.
I go to find thy brother Henry now.
Thomas: They seek to re-enforce their dirty deed,
I will fetch Agnes too without delay.
[Exit Mary, Exit Thomas]
Janniet: No sooner done one fight, they recommence.
Rogero: I am without words - what on earth is one to say?
Janniet: O Rogero!
Rogero: O Janniet!
[Exit Rogero & Janniet. Enter Henry, Enter Agnes]
Agnes: My Father makes it clear about your ploy,
This new disgrace that rears is all your fault.
Henry: We Montulets are not of merchant class.
You Capagues are rumoured to be, though.
Agnes: My fists are itching for a sturdy brawl,
You take that back or sorry you shall be.
Henry: I do bite my thumb at you!
Agnes: And you do bite your thumb? Right, have at you!
[Enter Rogero & Janniet]
Rogero: Forsooth, he says there's not much call for it.
Janniet: But what shall we be left with in our shop?
We're fresh out of red Leicester and the cat ate the...
Rogero: Wait, what is this? Henry, put up thy blade.
Janniet: Agnes, put away thy fists.
Henry: Not when they denigrate our goodly name!
Agnes: They smear us and our forebears with their lies!
Rogero & Janniet: Who?
Henry & Agnes: The Montulets / The Capagues!
Rogero: Mayhap because our wedding went ahead?
Or is your duel to do with our cheese shop?
Janniet: An empty shop, with not a thing to sell.
Agnes: What's that you say? You don't have any cheese?
Henry: Surely Wensleydale? Not even Cheddar?
Janniet: No call for it, or so the carter says.
Agnes: No call for it?! It's the single most popular cheese in the known world!!
[Enter Mary, Enter Thomas]
Thomas: I search the street and find you all are here.
Mary.
Mary: Thomas.
Rogero: Are you about to carry on the fray?
Thomas: I have had time to think and settle down,
And come to terms with making honest coin.
Mary: Nay, I agree, there be no harm at all
If these two houses do increase in wealth.
Henry: Fat chance of that, I say, with empty stores.
They have a cheese shop with no curd of cheese.
Thomas: No Edam?
Janniet: No.
Thomas: Stilton?
Rogero: Sorry.
Thomas: Greek Feta?
Janniet: Uh, not as such.
Thomas: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Rogero: No, not much call for it 'round here they say.
Mary: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the known world!!
Agnes: That’s what I said!
Forsooth thy words are verily as mine
Thomas: Those Montulets conceived this falsity!
Mary: It takes a Capague to cast such lies!
Thomas: I draw me rapier!
Rogero: Every bloody time! Never mind our tribulations with cheesy comestibles; Cease this disagreement. Do you not see just how alike you are?
Janniet: There can be never sense in rinding up,
For all you think and then behave the same.
Like peas that spar within a single pod.
Rogero: There should instead be peace among us all.
Janniet: There should be love.
Thomas: Love?
Mary: Oh no, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Henry: Do you suggest we love each other true?
Agnes: Like Rogero and Janniet?
Rogero: Well no, I do not think we mean it thus.
Janniet: No, of course not. Wait... but yes. Yes we do.
Rogero: Huh? Ahh. Indeed we mean exactly that.
Much rather here than simply make amends,
So our relations should be more than friends.
Thomas: As me and Mary?
Mary: Thomas, I feel somewhat flustered.
Henry: As me and Agnes?
Agnes: Henry, what a curious notion.
Janniet: Yea, if thou pause one moment from thy hate,
A whiff of recognition will prevail.
Delight, as of a rose that smells as sweet,
No matter of the name that we exhale.
Rogero: If thou would'st love, this be a merry day.
Henry: Oh Agnes
Agnes: Oh Henry
Mary: Oh Thomas
Thomas: Oh Mary
Janniet: And put aside that weapon, for a while.
Thomas: Oh! [Lowers rapier]
Rogero: Hear this: A double wedding there shall be
'twixt Montulets and Capagues, I say,
with nary a cross word and no complaint;
To yonder chapel steps let us proceed.
[Exeunt]
Narrator: And thusly is resolved a caustic feud,
Without resort to tragedy and woe,
No need for death to cause us to conclude,
Instead the cunning make a friend from foe.
With thoughts and hopes upon a future strong,
With honest vows and rings exchanged in kind,
With bells and blessings, merriment and song,
All settled now these houses are combined.
Forgotten are the barbs of bitter brawls,
Left in the dust are invitations lost,
No heed now paid to errant market stalls,
Gone all thoughts of Gouda and Brunost,
From tender caring, love and kindness grows,
And with such rhyme our play is at a close.
[FIN]
Copyright Jaysen Ollerenshaw 2023. Free use within the SCA.
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